


this is me trying

by gay_english_nerd



Series: fractured folklore- Miraculous Spin The Record Challenge [9]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Folklore, Lesbians, Songfic, post breakup, this is me trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29125269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_english_nerd/pseuds/gay_english_nerd
Summary: Lesbian is not a dirty word.orChloe tries to understand her sexuality.
Relationships: Chloé Bourgeois & Sabrina Raincomprix, Chloé Bourgeois/Sabrina Raincomprix
Series: fractured folklore- Miraculous Spin The Record Challenge [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129127
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6
Collections: Miraculous: Spin The Record Challenge





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> Lesbian is not a dirty word.

_ I've been having a hard time adjusting; I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting… _

Chloé… was struggling. Falling, some would call it, but that wasn’t quite the right word- she had already fallen in love, and this was nothing like that. 

No, this was more like sinking. It was a weight in her chest, a constant pull downwards, all of the fear and none of the weightlessness. 

So maybe sinking was the right word. She’d been sinking, then, since Sabrina had come to her crying. She’d been sinking since Sabrina had shook her head and walked away from her. She’d been sinking since Sabrina whispered, in a voice softer than the wind, that she couldn’t pretend anymore. That it was either no more hiding or no more Sabrina. 

Chloé had made the wrong choice. 

_ I didn't know if you'd care if I came back; I have a lot of regrets about that... _

Now, she couldn’t escape the hollow feeling in her chest, the gravitational pull towards Sabrina, or the fear. She was being tugged in two directions, and she couldn’t figure out which way to go. 

She… she loved Sabrina. Really, there was no use denying it- she wanted nothing more than to curl up next to the redhead, hold her close, and kiss away the worry lines of her forehead. She wanted that and so much more, so much more that she was terrified to name. 

But she also couldn’t give Sabrina what she wanted. Sabrina wanted… she wanted Chloé to be able to hold her hand  _ like that _ in public, to kiss her on the streets, to declare to the whole world that Chloé was Sabrina’s and vice versa. And Chloé couldn’t do that. 

Forget the whole world; Chloé couldn’t even declare that kind of love to her parents. 

She couldn’t declare that love to her father, because for all his adoration in the form of showers of gifts and gold, it only extended as far as not hurting his campaign. If she were to tell him, to shake his campaign strategy like that… he’d turn colder than ice. He bought her gifts to keep her silent, to keep her docile, to hold her in place with a golden ball and chain. To break free would be to bring down wrath more painful than her mother’s sharp words. 

She couldn’t declare that love to her mother, either. Her mother was unreachable in ways Chloé couldn’t understand- she’d spent years building up a relationship of cards that would topple with the merest breath. 

No, she couldn’t tell anyone about this. 

_ Pulled the car off the road to the lookout- could've followed my fears all the way down… _

And would Sabrina even take her back? If Chloé were to crawl back to her, her-her  _ identity _ out for the world to pry at, would Sabrina forgive her? 

Chloé didn’t deserve forgiveness, really. Sabrina deserved better. She deserved a girl who wouldn’t drag her out to hidden corners, who wouldn’t scar her with their sharp edges. Chloé was not that girl.

But still- the pull towards Sabrina was undeniable. Chloé loved Sabrina, more than anything in the world, even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it for the longest time. She loved her, and her hollow chest was missing its heart- the heart that Sabrina held. Chloe wanted to get back the cuddles, the warmth that being with Sabrina brought- just everything. She wasn’t sure how long she could stand being away from her.

Now that she thought about it, she started sinking long before Sabrina had ended things. She started sinking as soon as she had first changed their meeting place in paranoia when she had exchanged long cuddles and kisses for quick pecks, when she had let her fear control her love. 

She  _ hated _ feeling like this. 

_ And maybe I don't quite know what to say but I'm here in your doorway… _

Part of Chloé knew she was lying to herself. Knew that their time apart had made her realize that she’d give up anything and everything for Sabrina, that she’d come out and grovel at Sabrina’s feet for forgiveness. She’d ruin her father’s campaign, toss away any respect her mother had gained for her,  _ anything _ \- she just wanted to be able to love Sabrina. 

If she was honest- brutally honest- she wasn’t most afraid of that. It was an inevitability, that she’d break things and hurt people and lose everyone else she loved in the process of finding herself. 

_ No _ , she realized with a start. That was what she was afraid of- finding herself. 

_ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying. _

She felt a little sick at the prospect.  _ Finding herself? _ What did that even mean? 

A nagging feeling in the back of her mind made her shake her head in an attempt to get rid of it.  _ Of course _ she knew what it meant, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to confront that she was  _ scared _ , of a goddamned word…

She didn’t have to say it for it to be true, though. She’d loved Sabrina before she’d said it allowed, and Chloe was- Chloe was whatever  _ this _ was, if she said it aloud or not.

But  _ god, _ she didn’t want to say it aloud.

_ And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad; I have a lot of regrets about that… _

Even thinking it dragged her back further than she wanted to go, back into the past where the edges were blurred and her heart hurt. She remembered her mother, walking briskly in front of her, and her father, holding her tiny hand in a display of his love. The angry cursing from her father, the loud, snotty tones from her mother, all around that one word:  _ Lesbian. _

She’d heard her mother say it, in an affected voice, as she insulted her opponents. She’d heard her father stumble over it distastefully in election speeches. She’d known it as an insult, a mark of evil. She spat it out with venom at her classmates. 

That was before she’d known what it meant. 

But the word felt so dirty in her mouth now. It was ingrained in her heart as an insult, an abuse, a barb. She’d never expected to fall in love with a girl, to want Sabrina’s touch like she did, to realize that she was what she so hated: a  _ lesbian _ …

It was weird, too. Chloé didn’t hate gay people. She’d quietly shipped Nathaniel and Marc, and when Sabrina had told her she was bisexual, she hadn’t batted an eyelid.  _ Bisexual _ didn’t make her feel dirty. Bisexual was fine, nice. 

God, she hadn’t predicted how much this would hurt. She had always known she wasn’t, well, straight, but confronting it like this was an aching, sickening feeling that she wanted desperately to avoid. 

She couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t. 

_ Pouring out my heart to a stranger but I didn't pour the whiskey… _

But that word  _ hurt _ . It moved her in ways she could not describe. She didn’t understand how she could  _ ever _ be expected to love herself like this, knowing the word followed her like a shadow. 

She didn’t want to think about it. It was easier when she just dragged Sabrina where she wanted to go, not thinking about herself or what that meant for her. 

But she had to think about it. For Sabrina. 

Because really, she knew labels were stupid and pointless, but the world was going to label her. They’d demand a label and she’d have to fess up, and if she couldn’t even  _ say what  _ she was, then how…?

Chloé wiped her eyes. She hadn’t realized she’d been crying, but then again, it wasn’t much of a surprise- she spent many nights crying, tracing over her past mistakes with a sharpie in her mind. She screamed into the inky black night, and she tore herself apart in the evenings, only to carefully stitch the good parts back together. 

She was sinking, but she could see the surface.  _ Lesbian.  _

_ And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound... _

It was… kind of pretty, wasn’t it? It still made her stomach flip, but it felt a little different, too- it was her ingrained disgust plus something new, something light and fluttery in her stomach. She didn’t understand it. 

Chloé shook her head. She was so tired, though she didn’t entirely know why. Her eyelids seemed to weigh themselves down, but no- she still had stuff to get done. She wouldn’t succumb to sleep just yet. 

She loved Sabrina. That wasn’t news to her, though she repeated it often- it was just a fact that seemed to bowl her over like a tidal wave, sometimes. Othertimes, it was nothing more than a gentle splash on her feet- something to keep her grounded as the tide shifted. 

_ It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you... _

She was working on it. Everything. Chloe was working on it- even when she and Sabrina had been together- if you could call it that- she’d been working on it. She’d pushed herself to be better and better every day, to be kinder, softer, sweeter. Sabrina deserved as much. 

She’d gotten rid of her old friends. She’d thrown out her old photos. She started to journal. But it would never-  _ never- _ be enough if she couldn’t love herself. That’s all Sabrina wanted, she said. So why was it so damn hard?

_ You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town… _

_ Lesbian.  _ Sabrina said the word too. Sabrina whispered it to her under bedsheets, she soothed her with it in parked cars, and hell, Chloé knew she would scream it to the world if she asked. Sabrina didn’t think lesbian was a dirty word. Sabrina didn’t look at her any differently- she didn’t see her as a creep or a freak or a monster because of that dumb word. 

Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina. Her heart ached for her, for the ginger-haired girl who made her heart flutter in ways that it hadn’t in years-  _ everything _ was for Sabrina. Sabrina was her world, her life, her light-

She’d do it. For Sabrina.

_ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying _

“I’m… I’m a lesbian.” She whispered. There was no bolt of lightning, no pain in her chest. Just Sabrina’s smile, dancing in her mind. 

Lesbian. 

For Sabrina, she could do it.

_ At least I’m trying. _


End file.
